Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Tales of time

Hi again!  I know, i've been slacking. Time is just flying by. I cannot tell you how excited I am that there are only 5 2/5 weeks of school remaining this year (but who's counting).  I am in desperate need of the pool.   So, guess what?  Are you sitting down?  My husband was home ALL LAST WEEK!!  I know, crazy right? That is why I haven't written.  Until today, when he left again, things were awesome.  I have to say, there is a direct correlation to a decrease in my stress level and overall happiness and my husband being home.  i told him that other day and its bittersweet.  I know its not easy for him to leave us week after week either, but it seriously sucks being the one left behind week after week.  Last week was amazing!  I felt energized and able to breathe a little bit.  I actually had him run our AM carpool on my days for the first time this year!!  Of course it was a bit stressful for him as he had to come home and report to me who waved at him thinking it was me in the van.  We had family dinners and a very low key week. I mean, he still had to work and all, but just knowing he is around is such a comfort to me. I could have used that today.  Some days are just blah.  Today was a blah day.  I was busy at both schools and just feeling a bit stressed all around.  When my babies got home from school I actually asked for extra big hugs because mommy needed them.  And tonight, when i tucked my girls in,  I asked my oldest to snuggle with me since daddy was away and i had a crummy day.  It is amazing to me that in one second he is my little boy and then another he is a 9 yr old consoling his mama.  So sweet.  I just love him to pieces. He knows that he is my rock and the "man of the house" when daddy is away, but I am actually starting to notice that he is really beginning to grow into that role.   Early this week he decided (SUCH A SAD CONVERSATION TO ME) that he no longer needed his "ellie" and "teddy" any more to fall asleep.  He didn't want to get rid of them, but he doesn't "use" them anymore.  Um, way to break your mamas heart there little dude.  I had to look away for a moment.  My husband took him to his room for bed that night and reported back to me that he had hugged them both very tightly before placing them on a bookshelf in his room.  No word about it since.  I didn't know I had given him permission to make those life decisions for himself, but apparently i am learning that as time goes on, I will have less and less decision making power for these type of things.  And today, I am okay with it.  Because time keeps marching on so I better hang on tight before it passes me completely by.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Tales of Love Notes

So, a while back one of my kids got a love note passed to them in class. (i guess that narrows it down to 2 out of 3 considering constestant #3 and her peeps do not know how to write yet).  It was hidden from me for quite some time, apparently because she/he was completely mortified by the situation.. and was being teased a bit to boot.  OK, let me just get it out there although a topic for a whole other blog, but I HATE BULLYING.  HATE HATE HATE.  I was thunder thighs growing up, and it still burns me to this day.  I still see myself as having huge legs and will probably always, no matter what.  Ok.. lets table this talk because i don't want to get too far off track here.   Anyway, the note was ripped (by my child) into a zillion pieces and immediately thrown into the garbage.  When i learned of this, i thought it was sweet, but i was told it was "not sweet" and that he/she "did not like it at all".

Ok, moving forward to this week. As i was walking my oldest into his classroom the other day, to mention to his teacher that i was sending him under my protest due to innane (spell)? testing he was having that day... a sweet girl from his class came up to walk with us.  She told us that her mom just screamed at her as she was getting out of the car.  My son asked her why (thankfully, cause i felt weird asking myself) and she said because her backpack was unzipped.  In my mind, i could picture the scenario... They were in the carpool line, dozens of cars filed in waiting, not so patiently, for their turn to proceed through.  Her bag was unzipped and she took a few extra seconds to try to zip it and her mother screamed at her out of her own impatience.  Now, while i was not in the car (obviously) i happen to know this scenario well.  My response was simple. Your mommy was just in a hurry and frustrated sweetie.  I do that all the time to my kids.. rushing them out in the mornings and yelling because i feel stressed. To which my son acknowledged was true.  I then told her that her mommy probably (like i always do) felt so badly about it the second she pulled away, but it was too late and will likely forget by the time they got home at the end of the day to mention it at all.  She gave me a sweet smile and i escorted them to class. 

Later that morning, i was cleaning up around the house, and decided, while i was thinking of it and them, i would write my babies little love notes and put them on their pillow for them to find when they got ready for bed.   Of course, all a little different.  My 3 yr olds said simple "I love u", but each from my heart, and thought out.  Well, i forget i had done that, and when my middle went upstairs to get ready for bed, she came running down the stairs, note in hand and threw herself around me for the biggest hug ever.  Of course, my oldest ran up to his room and had a similar reaction.   They both wanted to save them and it made me feel so good inside to let them know that i was thinking fondly of them during the day while they were away from me.  I'll have to remember this day, because i have a feeling in ten years from now, they will be grossed out from the love notes from their mommy, and only hoping for love notes they receive in class.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Tales of hump day

What a day.. cold and rainy.. so weird for this time of year.. BUT, it was a great great day! Got in a good workout, ran some needed errands, met a friend i hadn't seen in months for lunch and then after school routine kicked in. Gotta say, for a gloomy day, mine was pretty bright!  It's about time! I think this past week i have been super hormonal.  I more than think, i pretty much know. Gosh, ain't it just a pleasure to be a lady?!?

Well, made it through the hump of Wed. Yippy!  It should be smooth sailing from here. One more day and then my sweet baby daddy will be home!  Already have a plan for a drink with a friend on Friday.. this time i will wait until dark to start drinking, i promise!!!

Oh, so next week.. guess what!?!?  I am a real married mom!  I get to cook a nice dinner every night and relax with the family. Gosh i hope i didn't just jinx myself. Watch me get a text that something "just popped up" for next week.   Let's all keep our fingers crossed.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Tales of a cry

Well, today the stress just boiled over and so besides screaming at my precious baby girl, i let it out with a good ole cry.  Ahhhh... seems to feel so much better to get it all out.  It is only Tuesday, and i am already axniously awaiting Friday's arrival (and with it the return of my dear hubby). I miss him a lot this trip.  While I am totally used to this single mom gig, sometimes it hits me more than others.  I suppose it coorelates to what i have going on here at the homefront, but still, sometimes it just plain sucks.  This week he is not only "away" but he is across the country which means our talk time is minimal.  The time change is hard to deal with and we both seem to have time to talk when the other is not available.

Anyway, i have been having a tough time coping this week with life in general and been in a downright funk.  A sweet friend called last night to check on me, which i so appreciated, but i hate it when i worry people.  I try to just fly under the radar when i am in a funk and try so hard not to bother others or let it show, but i guess sometimes i am , hmm... i was going to say invisible, but that is totally not the word i was looking for... shoot.. i can't think.. oh oh! got it.. transparent!!!  Lets try this again, sometimes, well, most of the time i am transparent and wear my emotions on the outside.  That is such an awful charateristic. I am so bad at poker.  Not to go too far into it, but it seems every year in April, i am done.  Done with school, homework, getting up, lunches, the routine, all of it. I can actually trace it back to when Z was in preschool. I specifically remember having this conversation with friends back then and since then.  So, it is hard for me to separate my crankiness right now with just my annual blues of school overload.  That coupled with family stuff, school drama and friend nonsense, i totally lost my mind today.  BUT, don't be sad my friends, this story has a great outcome, as i feel SO much better.  I try to hold in as much as i can all the time, especially around my kids.. the last thing they need to worry about is their looney mommy... ok, at least not for another 30 years :).   But, i let it go today on the phone with a good friend, and it was needed, and felt good.  I also fed my kids cheese sticks, hard boiled eggs, graham crackers and fruit for dinner.. Yep, it was one of those days.   But who cares, in a year from now, i won't remember a thing about it.  In that case, i think i'll start forgetting it all now.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Tales of Freedom

I would like to start this blog by saying I am proud to be an American.  I am proud that we live in a free country.  I am equally proud to be a woman (especially now that I can't remember how badly it hurt to have my 3 children) who has the many freedoms we are blessed with having in this day and age.

Having said that, I get tired of being the one to make all of the decisions sometimes.  I so badly wish there were someone who could tell me what the right and wrong decisions are to be made.  Someone to take the guessing (or chance) away from me.  Someone else maybe that I can blame when I have made the wrong decision and am faced with the negative consequences.  And when I say "decisions" I mean from the littlest things to the more extreme.  My brain is just so overworked with trying so desperately to figure things out all the time. Things including but not limited to the following:

* what school do I send my kids do
* what activities will my kids do
* how much is too much
*should I let them quit if i/they do not enjoy it
*should my kids attend religious school
*if so, where is the best fit for my family
*should I let my child play with _______
*should we go ____ on vacation
*for how long
*should we fly or drive
*who should we see if we are near family
*what should I make for breakfast
*what should I make for lunch
*what should I pack them for snack
*what should I make for dinner
* what is a good bedtime for my kids
*should I buy the needless pair of shoes at nordy that I love so much
*do I have to invite_______ to my/my kids party
*do I have to be PC all the time
*should I always accept everyone's apologizes and move on even when repeatedly being hurt by a family member or friend
*what are the important values I want my children to learn from me

Ok.. so I assume you get the point by now.... while I love having the freedom that my life has to offer, sometimes, somedays, I just want someone to tell me where to go, what to do and what to say.  Although, knowing me, if someone tried to push me around, I would punch them.  See my dilemma?????

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Tales of Sleep

Well, just like last year.. i was up at 5:20 this AM.. but i only have myself to blame.  My poor brain.. so much on my little feable mind this week.. it really cannot take anymore!!  So, i have had some trouble sleeping this week.  I just spent the past hour re reading most of my blogs from last year.  Some were pretty boring (so sorry), but it was great to read!!  Gosh, you really do forget little things that happen day to day.  I am actually thankful to have this blog to look back on.

One thing that struck me was my being very upset (and not eating-which you know i must have been really upset not to eat) one day about something that happened in school to one of the big kids.  Well, fast forward to now.. i have abosolutely zero idea what that day was about.  None. Zip. Zilch.  But yet, i was so distraught over it.  Which leads me to once again, believe my mom when she says "don't sweat the small stuff because in a year from now it won't matter".  Wow, she hit the nail on the head with that one!

I know its hard day in and day out to be dealing with endless responsibility and stressors, but i guess letting some things go and trying to not get so worked up about every little thing (no matter how big it seems at the time) is a real valuable trait. trait?  hmm.. not too sure that is the word i was looking for.. but too tired to think about vocabulary right now.

also looking back made me realize just how much things have changed in a year and how much things stay the same!  for good and for bad.  i seem to have similar viewpoints on myself and what i want/need to improve upon.  i would like to hope that i have actually grown and changed a lot in this year, but like i posted last night.. growing is a process that takes time... and i am still and always will be doing it. i do love that i have the same goals and ideals as a year ago (actually almost a year and a half ago now).  the fact that i have stayed true to myself because my values means a lot to me.

of course, i am still tired. but this time around i am tired because of me. and not my sleeping little miracles. i am currentlty the one one awake here.. well, me and my cat.  gonna have to squeeze in a nap today so i have enough stamina for drinks out with friends tonight!!

well, i seem to be off to a good start.. don't expect this daily, however, that causes me angina. (spelling??)  i will write when i can and if i have something to say.  it'll keep you on yours toes.  i may or may not link to FB, so keep checking!

happy saturday!


still sleepless in charlotte.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Tales of Change (but yet the same)

Wow!!!  I can't believe it has been over a year since I blogged.  Life with 3 and a part time spouse (love you honey) sure is busy!!!  A lot has changed in a year, but a lot has stayed the same. I guess back then my need to blog was based on the fact at constestant #3 hardly slept... and yet, somehow, someway, i have seemed to make it to the other side of those dark, devilish days. So, i guess that i one thing i can place in the "changed" column of this new blog edition. Oh shoot, now i just jinxed myself.  Here we go again.

What else has changed, well... kids are older, homework is harder, activities are in full swing here!  Oh, i guess a giant change from last year is that dear baby girl who is an excellent sleeper now (maybe that will unjinx me) is in preschool 3 lovely mornings a week.  Yay for some mommy time!!!   And with that new found mommy time i have decided that i can be, gosh, seems like a curse word amongst the mommywood.. but i'll say it.. a little SELFISH!!  yes, i can finally focus a little bit on me.  Score another point for the change tally!  Now, when i say selfish.. i mean that i am finally starting to place my needs (wants... whatever the proper word is) on the list of to do's. I am still nowhere first, second, or third, clearly.. but I feel good about having been able to start doing something for me again.

Ahhh.. but then those pesky needs versus wants creep up and at times i feel guilty when i do for me.  Not exactly sure why, but that is me. that won't change so may as well not even try to touch on it.  What i have needed to do is start a regular exercise routine. Check another one off for the change box.  I have thrown myself into a wonderful AM ritual that i am super stubborn and cranky about having to give up some days (like today due to school obligations).

Another selfish thing for me is say "NO" to someone who asks... well, in general. I have a hard time not wanting to please people (although i can be a complete bitch too), but on the whole i like to be available to to my family and friends.. well, sometimes i say "YES YES YES" and then need to take a Xanax. So, another change is that i am learning (still nowhere near perfected) but in process of learning my limits.  I'm afraid it will be an ungoing process, so don't hold your breath for the encore performance.

Another change is that i am in complete love with myself... maybe part of selfish phase. I am growing and evolving as a mom, woman and friend daily and i am so proud of how far i have come. Years back i was an insecure, needy, suffocating friend. i had 3 babies and a travelling hubby ( did i ever mentioned he travels???) and i relied a lot, too much on friends, and it was not healthy.. and now.. i hate those people!!!  and, i don't take shit from anyone. we all have stressful lives, whatever your life situation may be. life is hard. period.  and i have decided that if you treat me like shit.. you are out. i am done with people taking their crapola out on me. whether it is about me, or you.. it is not necessary.  I have an awful temper (thanks to my father) but i have learned and am still learning (again, don't hold your breath) on when to control it and who to not take it out on.  Friends are to be there for you, not to be abused by you and i have had one too many friends treat me poorly and i am DONE WITH IT.   ahh.. the power of age and wisdom and independence... which brings me to the only thing that i can think of to place in the "SAME" column for today. my independence...

Yes, a year later I am still a married single mom.  Yes, my hubby still travels, more often than not, and i am here to raise our 3 precious gems alone on a weekly basis, but... i wouldn't trade them, or him for the world. i just need to bitch about it from time to time.  And that my friends, is where you come in... stay tuned....