Monday, November 15, 2010

Tales of Fear

And other week has begun!  Once again I am sitting here at 5:30 AM next to my sweet girl.. who actually didn't cry last night until now... well, except for the 45 min rant at bedtime including her unique ability to squeeze out enough of a poop for me to have to change her... procrastination starts at such a young age. Oh, and yes, we are watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Just checked my email and received my usual Monday AM email from my hubby that is titled "Flight info this week".  Not so bad this week, I suppose things are calming down for the Holidays that are seriously right around the corner.  Is Thanksgiving really next Thursday?  How bizarre?

So, I was reading another blog, and felt like I had written parts of it myself, which of course then compelled me to do just that.   Those of me who know and love me dearly know that I am a bit of a control freak.  I'm gonna blame it on genetics, but won't go any further than that in case certain family members decide to read this.  Don't need to get written out of any wills over a little blog.  Yes, I complain about my days revolving around my kiddos and their schedules, but the truth is, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I want to be the first person they see after school.  I want to hear the juicy deets of the 8 hours they spent without me. I want to make sure their homework is done properly, etc... after all, it is my job, so to speak.

But it is more than that, I think it is a lack of trust.  I don't think I trust anyone enough to do it "like I would".  What am I scared of? I am not sure.  Hubby always tells me to get a sitter sometimes after school to help me out, or at night during the week so I can get out alittle.  My response is always the same.  I can't. I need to be there.  It's not like they are in preschool anymore.  I need to make sure my 2nd graders homework is done, and right.  I need to make sure the oldest two read 20 min each night.  It's not just "babysitting".  There are things to be done. And apparently, I do not think that anyone else in the universe but me is capable of handling it.  No, that is too harsh, I think it's that I just don't think anyone can do it like I do.  Well, so what?  What am I afraid of?  One night it won't be "perfect"?  Ugg, that puts a lot of pressure on me ya know.  Pressure I put on myself.  But who wants to do MY kids homework with them.  I don't even WANT to do it, I HAVE to do it. But that is a fear of mine.  Fear of the unknown. Fear of, what's gonna happen if....... 

Speaking of what's going to happen if.... I feel as if I used make choices in my life based on fear of what other people would think of me.  Fearing rejection?  Fearing being talked about?  Fearing being not liked?  I would do things for and with my children that other people did just because I figured I should because everyone else was. I persued relationships with toxic people because I was afraid people would talk negatively about me if I didn't. I kept my mouth closed about my kids "friends" being obnoxious, destructive and mean to my own children because I was scared to speak up their mommies (many of whom were my friends).  Trying to keep "peace" between myself and others at the expense of my own happiness.  NOT GOOD.  NOT HEALTHY. And I have learned over many many conversations with friends, that I am not alone.  Some call it "wanting to be accepted", but I call if fear of rejection.  And I lived a lot of my life like this. 

Fortunately, well, it was unfortunate at the time, but looking back, fortunately I experienced a life changing event about a year and a half ago that changed my perception of my fears.  From someone who was an outgoing and pretty open person to most anyone, I became more private and protective of myself and my inner thoughts and feelings.  I decided, I am not scared.  I decided to do things that I wanted to do. I decided that I didn't trust people until they proved worthy of it, not vice versa.  I broke away from a lot of people and "found myself".  I decided to sign my children up for camps, and extra curricular activities because they wanted to, not because thats what other kids were doing.   I decided to stop running the rat race.  I decided to stop wondering if people thought I was a bad mom because I didn't do XYZ with/for my kids. I actually had one mom tell me, "you should sign your son up for ____because it would be good for him".  WTF?  Where do people get off telling me what they think is good for MY child, MY family?  I just don't get it.  And it bothered the crap out of me.  But, and it took A LOT of soul searching, I decided to let it all go.  I am me, and my family and TRUE friends love what I have to offer.  I no longer fear not fitting the mold that we all try to cram ourselves into. There is no need for it.  Period.

To be honest, the main fear I live with now, is the fear of something terrible happening to someone I love.  It is paralyzing at times to fear such things, but I do.  And that fear leaves no room for others. 

What fears do you have?  Are they about you, or about how others view you?  Do you have any fears that you can let go of?

1 comment:

  1. we are seriously so much alike in so many ways....amen to what you said today and have a great week with your husband and great will look back on this many years from now and be glad you put all this effort into raising those 3 contestants!!!!